Position: Ultimate Vision-Haver(?)
Subject: Another’s Memory
So, I have recently just awoken from a series of very unusual things. First of all; sleeping! Last night was the first time I did it! I hadn’t really put much thought into why I didn’t have to normally but I think it’s simple enough. Since my cells all have the capacity to perform mental functions, they can just rotate between which are active and which are resting, which I guess is something they just do automatically. This is the moment I realize that my body is smarter than I am. I guess that’s true for pretty much all living things, huh.
This would also explain exactly why I’m so prone to mood swings and going off-topic and generally getting distracted. It very well could be dependent on which cells in me are mentally active at any given time. I haven’t noted this down before but my detonations do actually leave me feeling tired, which must be because of all my cells becoming active all at once. Regeneration generally would probably do the same if I had to do it too much. It’s a good thing to know that if I get hit enough, even if I’m not in danger, I could just fall asleep on my enemy.
Sleeping wasn’t even the weirdest part of last night, though. I had the whole experience and even dreamed! Which I suppose does actually make sense since all of my cells theoretically have the capacity to dream making it overwhelmingly likely but this wasn’t just like a dream, it was more like a vision. Memories of someone I’d never met before and places I’d never seen before. Memories of the one who constructed the Event Horizon; Ryker Caradoc.
If I had anyone to impress, I’d draw that reveal out but I really don’t. The Event Horizon is gone, I’m literally the only entity in the universe who cares. Still, I’m the only one who has to care about my diary, so I’m going to write about it! I saw what I believe to be Ryker’s memories, which I’m theorizing is a weird product of my creation which went unexposed until now. I saw him arguing with others of his kind, flashes of conflict which ramped up from stupid spats to Ryker’s exile.
From what I could tell, it seems like that kind of exponential tension is common among the Arahant. As the arguments went on, Ryker fought harder against their strict status quo. A culture bound to a refined solidarity which rejects any contrarians as if they’re diseases. Even just quarrelling over whether magic should be called magic or ‘adaptive matter’ is enough to get one marked as a potential symptom. They’re a people who can’t change, because doing so is to admit their own imperfection.
Seeing a race like that scared me. Change and the idea of being able to change is so important to me, it’s why I want so much to try changing this world’s heroes instead of destroying them. If they can’t, if they’re like the Arahant, then what do I do? Looking beyond that, I was made to be immortal, so will I eventually see the day where I have to face the Arahant myself? Will I have a choice then, or will I have to fulfil my purpose as a weapon to end their expansion? At the end of everything, is that what I’ll ultimately, inevitably be?
I want to say it’s not something I have to worry about in the here and now but I can’t say that for sure. The Arahant are already one of the most advanced and dominant races in the universe, for all I know they could be the most advanced, and they’re only going to advance further. If I found and fought them now maybe I could defeat them and preserve a changing universe, it’s only a chance but that chance will only become less with time. If I just wait and run and hide until the fight becomes inevitable, if in that moment I become a weapon again and fail anyway, I can’t think of a worse possible end.
I talk about being a hero and making a change and making things better and sure, maybe I can make a change on the scale of a world. What I have to ask myself, though, is if I can make a change relative to myself. Relative to an undying life who can’t pass the burden of change off to a new generation? I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that there are things only I can do and that vision made me see the scale of that. It might not just be a case of talking to some stubborn people on a strange planet, it might be genocide.
I have a lot to process but I think my takeaway is that I’m eventually going to have to accept the part of me that’s a weapon into the part of me that is Endrall. If I want to be someone who brings about change for the better then that could mean eradicating the few for the sake of the many. This might be a weird thing to consider but I think I’m probably not mature enough to come to an answer yet. There’s a lot going on in me, I’m intelligent, but I’ve still only really existed for a handful of cycles. I’m going to spend some more time on this world, try to achieve what I set out to do, but I might have to leave much earlier than I expected.
I just hope… If nothing else, I just hope I’ll be able to give Frieda a happy ending.