Where, Who and What
Position: Ultimate Weapon
It’s… Been a long time! Not, like, 1116 cycles of time- I’ll explain that. It’ll be best to start from the beginning, so just to clarify, I’m not on the Event Horizon anymore. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s gone. I’m not absolutely certain, everything that happened before I reformed here is a blur. What I do know is that I’m… unstable now. The ‘plasma’ inside of me, the stuff Rylarose said controlled my body temperature, it’s different. Before all of this, I could feel it as a light warmth or coldness in my body depending on my surrounding environment. It was comforting, but now it feels like sharp static pains all throughout my body. Or, I think it’s pain at least, it’s hard to explain when I don’t feel that kind of sensation like other living things. It’s uncomfortable, is the easiest way to put it.
Well, that is an understatement. It’s not just uncomfortable it’s- it’s dangerous. I’m dangerous. I always knew that, I was made to be dangerous, but I never really understood it until the event. Gonna have to come up with a name for it. The landing? Because I landed on this unknown planet? It’ll do. So, yeah, didn’t really get what I was until all of this went down. I got so caught up in the whole ‘ultimate’ part of my title that I never gave enough thought to the ‘weapon’ part. Now that my body just randomly destabilizes and blows up, I can’t exactly ignore it.
It’s happened a few times now. I’m pretty sure it’s what happened before the landing on the Event Horizon, that’s why I think it’s gone. Every time I explode I feel the same scattering of body and consciousness until I’m able to reform in the wasteland I’ve left. I don’t know what happened to everyone on-board but I’m sure they had contingencies. They were all meant to be smart! The smartest in the universe! No way they could be killed by a single mishap. Can’t say the same for the people of this planet, though. They don’t seem particularly advanced so I have to be careful and keep my distance. I’ve already caused casualties and it’s… It’s not what I want.
Doesn’t make me a very good weapon, right? Well, now that I know what that entails, I know that I don’t want it as a part of my identity. From the very start, all I’ve wanted is to know who or what ‘Endrall’ is. What is her gender? What is her form? What is her personality? It all feels amorphous but I want to know where in it is me. Balvae, Esret, Archangel; they were all helping me to reach that point. Now I’m just lost with no one to help me affirm who I am. How will… How will I know I’m right unless someone else sees me the way I do? And how will anyone be able to see me that way now that I’m broken?
Well, I’m sad now, so I’m just going to go find a quiet hole where I can melt into a sludge pile for a bit. I’ll write something happier later, maybe something I can actually show her.